Aries: your forthright nature, blunt speech and hot temper mean people are scared to tell you you smell funny. But you do. Thursday is a good time to buy a towel rail or a gecko. Lucky cheese: Brie.
Taurus: people call you lazy, but if you really want something you’re more than capable of whining listlessly from your bed until someone fetches it for you. Taureans in relationships should count themselves lucky. Your ruler, Venus, is a bitch.
Gemini: intellectually curious and easily bored, you’ll have to engage in slow, tedious and repetitive work this week, but stick with it, because when you’re busy you’ve got less time to be an arsehole. Lucky dog: dachshund.
Cancer: always sensitive and emotional, you’ll feel especially weepy on Sunday, when Uranus moves into your opposing sign. Try and stop clinging to people like a bloated tick. Tuesday is a good day to find your backbone.
Leo: this week’s Jupiter transit means your unshakeable conviction that you’re the most gorgeous and charismatic person in existence will reach new and nauseating heights. You are likeliest to suffer death by erotic auto-asphyxiation on Monday.
Virgo: this weekend sees Saturn square to your ruler, Mercury, causing your irritable bowel syndrome to flare up. Correct someone’s grammar to restore your usual state of twitchy self-satisfaction. Lucky fraction: ⅔.
Libra: indecisive and superficial, you’re currently toying with the idea of a new venture, but will ultimately decide to pass. Wise. You’d have been crap. A chance encounter will leave you with elbow burns and a well-deserved sense of self-loathing.
Scorpio: Machiavellian, vengeful and twisted, you’re at constant risk of tipping over into full-blown psychopathy. Get someone to handcuff you to a radiator through Saturday night’s Pluto-Venus sextile unless you want to make your first kill.
Sagittarius: your hedonistic tendencies, total lack of tact and this week’s retrograde Mars make it likely you will be beaten into unconsciousness in a bar on Friday. Lucky fish: pilchard.
Capricorn: venal and calculating, you’ll enjoy embezzling cash/sabotaging an office colleague this week. Warning: Shirley in accounts knows what you’re up to. Capitalise on the upcoming moon-Saturn conjunction to falsify your expense report.
Aquarius: you see yourself as a quirky individualist, but in fact you’re an unpopular oddball whose acquaintances turn off the lights and lie on the floor if they suspect you’re outside. Sunday’s auspiciously placed Jupiter offers a fleeting chance to make a friend, but you won’t.
Pisces: unfocused, unrealistic, unreliable: these are your better qualities. With ruler Neptune moving into Virgo, Wednesday will see you either dropping your stash in front of your parole officer or waking up to find yourself participating in a porn shoot. Lucky condiment: Piccalilli.
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